My Addiction

 

laptop

It’s just after 11pm on a Friday night. My mind is tired, to that point that I can feel it fighting to gain just a little bit more adrenalin. Because slowing down would cause me to collapse at my laptop.

I’ve been here before. Many times in fact. Especially during my first startup there was little that prevented me from being a train reck of a workaholic. The harder I pushed, the harder it was to stop. The more my body and mind yearned to be worked until exhaustion.

Fast forward eight years and I can feel it happening again. Like a drug addict that just needs one more hit, I push for one more ounce of thought to advance the business.

Except this time, sitting at my desk at 11pm, I have a lot more to lose. With two young kids and an amazing wife I can feel life slipping by as I spend just one more minute on my startup. Just one more glance at my phone. One more thought before bed.

The deeper I go the easier it is to justify this path. To say, oh just after this project it will slow down. Except it doesn’t. Not because it can’t, but because I’ve forgotten how to. What started as a side project has become a constant being. To the point that I’m sitting here at my laptop, long after my family has gone to bed, doing the work of three people.

I’ve written about this slippery slope before. In between companies and free from the burden of growth I wrote a guide about enjoying the ride. That was almost three years ago. Long enough that I have forgotten my own words.

As I sit here again, I realize that this is a choice. No one forced me to push myself to exhaustion. No one required that I say good night to my family. No one listed this as a requirement to being a founder. And yet I’m here…a few steps from sliding right back back down that hill.

Previous to being an entrepreneur the only thing that I was ever addicted to was soccer. I didn’t just play on the weekends, I was the kid with a bag of soccer balls in the back of his car practicing before and after school. I even convinced my principal to give me first period off in high school so I could train.

As a player, I didn’t make it to the world cup or even to the professionals. And yet I would take that same path every time.

Trying to be a great entrepreneur is something I think a lot about. No different than trying to be great athlete I’ve come to believe that success is built on hard work. A discipline and willingness that the average person is not willing to commit. And yet my personal desire to improve comes in conflict with the relationships that I love in my life.

It’s even come to the point that I’d rather work than socialize. Because socializing feels like I’m being inefficient in the very seconds I’m consumed in conversation. All I can hear is the introvert inside me screaming to get back to work. Back to my quest to move forward.

Unfortunately, the only thing that really stopped me down this path last time was being fired from my own company. It was so finite in conclusion that my stomach still turns from its abruptness. It not only forced me to get off the roller coaster, but to realize I had a problem.

I still have that same problem and I don’t have a solution. Just a realization that this time I have a lot more to lose.

 

Image Credit: dangquocbuu via Creative Commons

6 responses to “My Addiction”

  1. jonahkai says:

    Great post, can relate to some of this even not being the CEO. Miss you buddy.

    Always remember Family > Friends > Work… Proud of what you are building, keep it up!

  2. KyleKesterson says:

    I feel as though your words could’ve slipped from my own fingers. Coming off a year of learning how to slow down, reconnect with time and presence, and truly appreciate the littlest things in a deeply profound way, once I got back on the horse, I went into full gallop. Not only do I let it stay galloping, but whip it every time it slows down. I’m obsessed. Knowing what I now know more than ever, I’m trying to get more explicit in creating reminders, external accountability, and just a rhythm of stepping away guilt-free to help me realize that this horse needs to eat, drink, and rest every now and then, otherwise it, and I along with it, are glue. And I’m somehow constantly surprising myself that when I actually hit that guilt-free moment and appreciate what’s in front of me, that I come back more effective, new perspective, and more energy to keep at it.

    Your brand is THE Moment. Don’t just build the brand for others, live the brand for you and your loved ones.

  3. jdbt says:

    Marc, you absolutely just nailed it.

    It is like you ripped those words right out of my own mind. I can’t help but feel that you knew that I feel the exact same way and wrote it specifically for me to read. ~5 years into my journey here I keep the hope alive that things will change soon and let up… but the honest truth is that I don’t want it to. I live and thrive being stretched way past my limits. I am in a continual state of growth and I every time I look back I can’t imagine how far we’ve traveled or how far I’ve come in my journey as a leader. I constantly feel like I am in way over my head, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. If there ever is a moment where I don’t feel that way, I keep going in deeper until I do. It is like I enjoy the risk, the tension and the feeling of growing. I struggle to be more than arms reach away from my phone, to close the laptop, to check out, to go to bed, to rest, and most importantly to turn it all off and be a dad and a husband. I struggle with this. Every. Single. Day.

    And you are right, how do you balance this out when you have so much more at stake? Not just the livelihood of my own family, but now well over 30 families and probably much more than that soon. I keep telling myself it will just be a bit longer – and even though we’re making amazing progress, the light at the end of the tunnel still seems so far away. Yet it sits there on the horizon, teasing us along. And I feel like if I let up for even a moment, it could all just slip away and lose the best opportunity I’ve ever had to really provide for everyone here and potentially change their lives for the better, forever. They have all sacrificed so much and worked so hard! How could I put that all at risk by letting up?

    My number one escape from this cycle has been to take care of myself physically, which triggers healthy eating, sleeping, and even a healthier family life. But even that has limitations . I pushed myself too hard, tore up my shoulder and just had to have shoulder surgery. Yet was on a plane to NYC 4 days later for a 5 day business trip. If that isn’t a clear sign of addiction, I don’t know what is.

    Writing this response to your article has probably been the healthiest action I’ve taken in a while to even admit there is a problem. It is clear to me that creating a conversation around this would be healthy for us both! I don’t have any answers really, but I’d love to catch up with you and talk about this dilemma. Perhaps we can challenge each other and keep each other accountable.

    Proud of you for being vocal about this important issue. And I’m thankful that I didn’t miss it in the chaos.

    • Marc Barros says:

      thanks for sharing man, really appreciate it.

      that cycle of “just a little bit more” is something i do all the time. it’s so easy to justify and people in your life you support you say it’s ok even though it’s changing the dynamic of your personal relationship with them.

      i’ve been at startup building for 13 years and still struggle with it.

  4. Jeff C. says:

    This is a great blog. I’m in the same boat myself. I’d like to add that there is definitely a need for strong work ethic, having an obsession with your craft etc. Ultimately, you can work until you need an IV for food, the market will decide wether they want your brand or not. I’ve seen people here in Cali that work like that and succeed and ones that work hard but don’t burn themselves out cash out for millions. It’s all perspective and balance. If you take the night off after working hours nothing is going to change the next day unless you have some deadline etc. Shut your brain down for your family and your own sanity for the time they deserve. The world will be there when you wake up.